chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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