i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
