I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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