It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
