Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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