Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
