He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
