today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
