I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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