i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
