I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
