I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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