I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize