Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
