Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
