i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I supernannyed him into submission
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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