i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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