please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
