The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
