I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
