Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
