Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
3 2 1 whiskey
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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