Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
