He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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