The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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