If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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