my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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