Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
