Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I CAN MOONWALK!
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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