Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
