Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
