So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
