Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
