The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
