Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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