I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
