I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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