I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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