Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I know her cup size but not her name....
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
