whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
