it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
