I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
