my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
