just tell him i said nine months
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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