Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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