why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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