your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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