No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
we should paint friendship bongs
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