I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize