the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
