I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
