I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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