I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
