Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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