Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
