Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
