from now on my penis is your penis
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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