It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
