im six kinds of drunk right now
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
