True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
