I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
