Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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