I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
