On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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